I hate the doctor’s office. You know how in mystery books they have those scenes where a mysterious caller phones and says, “If you want to solve the case meet me alone at midnight at the boat dock?” You know it’s a trap!! Same thing when you get that reminder call from the doctor’s office. “Your appointment with vampire services is at 10. Be there. Or else.” Okay, so it’s more like the mafia when the doctor’s office calls, but it’s the same thing: A TRAP.
You know they will take blood. And who does that other than vampires??? They wouldn’t take so much if they weren’t planning on a full seven course meal either so don’t give me that “running tests.” The only test is the taste test, I bet. I have proof that all testing can be done with one drop of blood. Right here. Why doesn’t my doctor’s office have that??? Vampires, I tell you, vampires.
Then when you get there, even if they have seen you recently, they give you a form to fill out asking all kinds of nosy questions. “Are you feeling depressed? Nervous? Paranoid?” Well, YES, I’m in a doctor’s office! “Do you get angry when left sitting in a room when you have an appointment and it’s two hours later and the doctor hasn’t come in yet?” –YES, YES, I DO.
Okay, they don’t ask that last one. But that’s the one question I want to answer. I mean, seriously. If I’m ten minutes late, you people want to charge me extra or reschedule. We both know the doctor is two hours behind and hasn’t a chance in hell of seeing all the patients here (I was there one time and watched no less than 3 people leave after two hours of waiting). If I’m on time, I better have my kindle, a lunch sack, water and a snack. The real reason doctor’s offices don’t make you pee in a cup anymore is that no one could hold it that long. By the time the visit actually starts, you’ve been there so long, you’ve set up a tent and started selling your extra set of clothing because winter has passed and it’s now too warm for the three jackets you brought in the dead of winter. You’re hoping to offset the cost of the visit, but the doctor wants the profits from any sales too! You’ve gone to the potty eighteen times so by the time they call your name, you couldn’t potty if your life depended up on it (and who knows, it may). Plus the second you go in the bathroom someone knocks and if that doesn’t set you back, nothing will.
And do not tell me my blood pressure is high. Of course it’s HIGH. I’ve been sitting here stewing for an hour and a half because you guys are “running late.” Running late implies you had a plan for running on time–which you did not, and we all know it. You know it’s a bad sign when you make your appointment and try to schedule the first appointment of the day–and there isn’t a first of the day available for THREE MONTHS OUT because everyone knows the doctor runs chronically late and we are all desperate to get the early appointment where you’ll only be half hour late. I’d say I need a new doctor, but they’re all the same. “Meet me at midnight. Don’t bring a weapon. You’ll be too tempted to use it.”
Bah. I’m taking one anyway. There are vampires there. Only an idiot goes to the boat dock unarmed. We’ve read the book!